


Laura's thoughts

by thisismybrainrain



Series: centuries of brooding and blood [10]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:49:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5160968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisismybrainrain/pseuds/thisismybrainrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura's thought on Carmilla's nature and the journeys of acceptance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Laura's thoughts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skeletonannie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletonannie/gifts), [possibilist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/possibilist/gifts).



> thank you to cole & possibilist 
> 
> thank you to the creators of these characters 
> 
> thank you to anne carson

And I said, "I know it well.  
That secret that you know that you don't know how to tell  
It fucks with your honor and it teases your head  
But you know that it's good, girl  
'Cause it's running you with red." – Bon Iver 

 

Laura had always known at the very base of things; in the backs of her friend’s mind lingered a thought: she might die because of her; because of that monster she shared a bed with. In the early days, they always looked like they had the phrases stored in their arsenal ready: be aware. Stay away, Laura. Leave her. 

When it was revealed that Carmilla was a vampire who’d eaten a small country’s worth of people in her time, well, probably. Her friends looked at her differently.  
It had lessened over time as they got to know Carmilla and realized she was not part of the supernatural con game. Mother was gone. Danny was turned. Kirsch and Perry were gosh knows where, Laf had JP and Mel was hauled up with some old Summer that escaped. When Mel had found out Danny was turned she was angry then in the grand picture of it all she came to accept it. At least she was alive in some form. All Laura had truly was Carmilla. She was her constant. 

Her friends never got to see fully the parts of Carmilla that Laura was shown.

All of her life, Laura had been put in a corner and told to stay safe. When Laura was younger her favourite film was Dirty Dancing purely based on this. She was not a baby. She did not need a corner, ever.  
As she grew, Laura went on and fought her father and her friends and if she’d learnt anything from Carmilla, it was that to resist and to fight was to survive. 

Laura still kept a bottle of bear spray in her backpack for her dad’s sake. So if she ever died and they found her he’d know she had listened to all of those talks where he’d told her about self defense and the importance of being prepared.

Even though the looks from her friends had fizzled out, sometimes, when Carmilla got annoyed or the glint of her fangs slipped out, she caught one of her friends looking at her as if they wanted to wrap her in a cotton wool jacket. Trust her, cotton wool would not serve to stop Carm if she really wanted her to touch her. This near unbridled lust was not new to Laura. It had always been there, simmering. She’d felt Carmilla’s glare burning into the back of her head enough times in room 307 to know that Carmilla had felt it too. 

Laura knew her friends still could not grasp that sometimes: the voluntary submission to pain, enjoyment of it and, the decision of life eternal with a monster was very easy one for Laura. She sometimes forgot that Carmilla was a supernatural being but then she'd see her lift up the bookcase to retrieve a book with all of the books still sitting in it or she’d shift into cat form and jump down from their window at night to hunt and Laura would remember that yeah, her girlfriend was a monster.

She’d read Carmilla’s books, watched copious amounts of television and researched so hard her brain had gone into overdrive keeping her up for endless hours on those first nights when Carmilla’s nature was revealed. Despite everything, Laura had never once felt threatened. Not even when Carmilla’s teeth were in her neck. Which is odd because Laura knew about consent and biting and Carmilla did too. That was a mess and there were so many unprocessed feelings that still lingered in the back of her mind about that moment. She got a rush from being able to help but she knew Carmilla felt awful about it. 

Huxley had a lot to answer for, Laura thought, she really must re-read a Brave New World. This new world she lived in, she liked it, felt safe and most of all found comfort in the closeness of Carmilla’s skin. Her absences got less and feeding became a thing that they did. Laura had suggested it. 

After a few months, it became routine and there was always the blood bank method to fall back on. Back in that first year at Silas, Laura had fanaticized that she’d sweep Carmilla off her feet someday and take her on a date to the blood bank or to the local butchers to get some blood. It was more subtle that offering her neck at least.

These days though, she felt well adapted to life with Carmilla in Vienna. With Spike and Giles telling her stories and giving her tips it wasn’t so bad, to share the burden with them and there was always Faith who understood and Buffy in ways that some of her friends probably never would. Though they'd been through all of this together, been hurt, possessed, consumed but none in the way that Carmilla had. Not the things that Laura knew she had been through. They'd all been changed by Silas for better and for worse. There had been harm. There had been foul and their friends were dead. Not even Laura could grasp all the things that Carmilla had confessed to her in the blanket of darkness some nights. She could only try for Carmilla. Always for Carmilla. Sometimes Laura felt heavy with her love and she longed for the days when she had only to confide in her friends about her silly little crush, not this: the series of life altering affairs with the underbelly of hell. 

Laura loved Faith endlessly she was dark but so bright with hope and sarcasm that it made Laura feel safe. Sometimes, Laura felt Carmilla and her were distant cousins the way they bantered and fit together but she was happy that they’d all found their place in this little corner of the world. 

Laura was unsure of what the next year would bring and the year after that. At 23 though, she knew she’d live longer than some of her friends and she was certain of one thing: no matter the year Carmilla would be right there beside her.


End file.
